This is the moment where, if you had sound, you would be hearing this:

AHHHHHOOOOOOOO!

AHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOO!

I’m about to share with you, one of the most disturbing stories of my dating life.

Those of you with weak stomachs may want to stop reading!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You see, there was a little “incident” the night I, Ranger and the Mysterious “D” met up at Chow Baby.

My honey, being the big, muscular carnivore that he is — feasted on 3….yes THREE…giant bowls of Mongolian BBQ and topped it off with a Asahi “Big Boy”.

Later, we were lying together on his bed watching WWE (yes…I really *do* like wrestling) and things were getting a little “heated” between us when suddenly, Ranger stops what he’s doing, grabs a pillow and throws it over BOTH of our heads!

“ummmm….babe? What are you doing?” I ask

“I’m…..giving us some privacy.” he says

“Uhhh…..privacy from WHO, the CAT?? There isn’t anyone here but us babe.”

“Just..you know.. privacy.” he repeats

huh..

Okay….it’s a bit odd, but hey, whatever right?

So we get back to the business at hand (heh..heh) and he eventually moves the pillow away.

Things are getting pretty serious, hands are roaming, lips are pressing and then he does one of those things that I like *soooooo* much and I have to come up….gasping for air!

THAT’S WHEN IT HITS ME!

I suck in a lungful of the most hideous, most foul, most gag-tastic odor I’ve even encountered.

“OH MY GOD!!!”
I exclaim before falling into a tear filled coughing fit.

Ranger looks up at me and with a sheepish grin says -
“Sorry babe. The Mongolian food got to me pretty quickly.”

My darling boyfriend had just turned into a GAS MACHINE!

I managed to cuddle with him for a few more minutes, but when the CAT threw Ranger a hateful look and finally fled the room, I knew it was time to go.

I have to admit, I was laughing like CRAZY, as I got dressed.

Poor Ranger had the most embarrassed look on his face as I dragged my pants up over my hips and tugged my shirt on over my head.

Now, before you think I was being cruel, the REASON I was laughing is because just 2 day ago, we had been discussing his Gas! Gas! Gas!!!!

I had been teasing him about his…cough…cough….intestinal combustive powers and his response had been “Well, at least they don’t stink!”

*snort!*
*giggle!*

I guess the Gods felt he (or I) needed to be punished for that little statement!!

I can’t even BEGIN to describe the putrescent smell that was emerging from my boyfriends backside but he could have easily been named “Prince of the Land of Stench” that night.

(and the only reason I’m sharing this story with you, my darling readers, is because HE said he shared it with his fellow peace keepers, so fair is fair!)

Yesterday morning I was spoiling for a fight!

In the short space of one hour — I got into it with a collection agent calling for one of my employees AND I got into it with the old lady that processes our payroll.

The collection agent got snippy with me when I told her she was calling a place of business for a personal account and that she needed to stop.

The old lady got pissy with me when I pointed out that she had MISSED one of my employees payroll entries.

Oh yeah…. fight! Fight! FIGHT!!!

I had to take a moment and wonder if it was PMS time or something, but no…no it wasn’t/isn’t AND I was pretty happy the rest of the day. (trust me.. PMS makes me cranks for at LEAST 24 hours!)

Today has been more of the same!!!!

So - here are some random things going on that have me all riled up and ready to fight!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Sales Manager Bitch from Hell — asked me when she was going to start getting her extra 5% commission. Ummm…excuse me? You signed an agreement that you would take a flat 60% commission on all closed loans instead of the sliding scale all the other loan officers are on. You did that because you wanted the safety net of always getting 60% no matter what your gross revenue was. (it goes from 50%, 55%, 60% and 65% based on gross revenue).

Well yes..she says, but I was told I was get the extra 5% because of all the extra work I do. This month, she had closed enough that IF she were on the sliding scale, she would qualify for the 65% mark. Uhhh…this is the first I’ve ever heard of this, you are going to have to talk to THE BOSS.

You know what really burns me up about this??? She doesn’t DO any extra work!!! She’s not even the Sales Manager anymore because she wasn’t doing what the job required. She’s JUST a loan officer now. So what the hell does she mean “extra work”.

SECOND — there have been PLENTY of months where she wouldn’t have qualified for the 60% mark, based on her GR, but she was paid it anyway.

SO –what I really wanted to say was — FINE, I’ll pay you your extra 5% this month as soon as you REPAY all the 5% and 10% amounts that I paid you when you DIDN’T earn it!!!!!

Greedy F*ing Bitch!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I have a $10K phone system and I pay over $2k per month for our phone service that is supposedly *SO* sophisticated that it could practically wipe your ass for you.

So….I called them up today to ask them about blocking incoming #’s.

We have started getting an inordinately LARGE amount of solicitation calls and it irritates the crap out of me!

Plus, the solicitors won’t take “NO” for an answer, PLUS they keep calling even after I’ve told them not too!!

I had a Bible Salesman tell me I was “going to hell” because I wouldn’t let him sell the company bibles….Nice!

It seems like a simple request, huh?

I have these numbers and I want them blocked.

NOPE!

Turns out, my fancy phone system and expensive phone carrier can only block OUTGOING #’s!

WTF???

(on an amusing note — the CS rep I spoke with…her name was Wednesday. NO SHIT I SWEAR! ha..ha.)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Speaking of unwanted calls!

SMBfromHell has been getting COLLECTION calls at work.

Yep.

Folks from Lowe’s, AT&T, Honda Finance…. you name it!

Given that she is almost never in the office, guess who usually winds up fielding those calls??

Yours truly, that’s who!

And honestly, I didn’t really mind because I just funneled them into her voice mail — until yesterday’s call from Lowe’s.

Why?

Because I *DO* screen the calls first and the Lowe’s lady got SNIPPY with me. And the minute she got snippy with *ME* it was GAME ON!!!

Oh yeah…. time to start being a bitch right back, let me tell you!

Did you know that according to the “Fair Debt Collection Practices Act” debt collectors are NOT ALLOWED to call an individual debtors employment if they have been informed the employer prohibits such calls.

Did you know that according to the “FDCPA” debt collectors are REQUIRED to state their name and give the name of their employer if specifically asked?

(fyi — the FDCPA is regulated by the Federal Trade Commission (FTC))

So I blasted this chick with both barrels and she hung up on me.

Then, to add insult to injury, they called back this morning!!!
After I had very clearly informed them that they were NOT to call us again, they called.
Not only that, but they tried to “sneak” around me by simply stating their name and asking for the SM.

Ohhhh…..I don’t think so!!

See….my “wipe your ass for you” phone system DOES have caller ID and I KNEW that number! heh..heh..heh..

“May I speak to ______?”
“May I ask who’s calling?”
“This is Jill.”
“Jill, what company are you calling from?”
“May I speak to ____?”
“Jill…..what COMPANY are you calling from?”
“This is a personal matter for _____.”
“Jill….are you calling from Lowe’s?”
“What?”
“Are you calling from Lowe’s?”
“I’m sorry, but this is a personal matter and I can only discuss it with ______.”
“Jill, _____ is an employee of this company and you are violating FDCPA guidelines because your company was told yesterday to NEVER call here again. PLUS, I specifically asked who you worked for and you have YET to state that company name which is yet ANOTHER violation of the law.”
“Well this is the only number we have for ______”
“That’s not my problem, now is it Jill? You can always send _____ a letter in the mail, can’t you!”
“Do you have another number for _______?”
“No Jill, I do not have another number for _____. Now STOP calling here.”

(click)

Bring it on bitches…. I’m READY!!! bwa…ha..ha.ha…!!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Geezer lady.

She processes the transfer of funds for our payroll after I turn it in to her.

Now Geezer lady is as OLD as the dinosaurs and grumpier than a saber tooth tiger with a cavity.

God forbid, I point out that Geezer made a mistake!

Which she just did during this payroll period.
I don’t know about you, but the one thing that I never, EVER want to get wrong is someone’s payroll.

But Geezer had actually completely MISSED one of my employees!

So I call her up and point out that _____ isn’t on the payroll.

“Well, you didn’t submit _____’s information”
“Ummm..yes I did.”
“No, you didn’t. I’m looking at the paperwork you emailed me right now.”
“Funny…so am I and it’s right THERE at the bottom of the page.”
“No…it’s not”
“Uhhh….. maybe you aren’t seeing it? Maybe it’s on page 2 for you? Have you scrolled all the way to the bottom?”
“You didn’t submit it, the last person I show is _____ with 0 hours worked.”
“NO, that is the next to LAST person…… LOOK, do me a favor, go to the top of the page and click on “view” for me. Are you viewing it in print or normal style?” (thinking this might be the problem..silly me!)
“Huh?”
“View… click on view at the top of the page.”
“I don’t have that…”
“Ummm…..okay….tell me something Geezer…what PROGRAM are you using to open up this attachment?”
“Wordperfect”
“WHAT????? Are you serious??? You are still using Corel Wordperfect? You don’t use Microsoft Office?”
“I don’t know what you are talking about. We use Wordperfect.”

Well……alrighty then….given that the document I sent her was in WORD this might be the problem. Had I know that Geezer and her Dinosaur company were using Wordperfect, I would have NEVER emailed her a Word document.

Soooo…..solution?
Simple — scan the print out and send it to her as a PDF file.

When I called her back to tell her I was sending it this way and ask her if she had Adobe Reader she snipped…SNIPPED at me “I KNOW what a PDF file is!”

Really bitch?
Because you didn’t know anything about Microsoft Office, so I was just covering my bases!!

AUUUGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Oh yeah, I’ve been spoiling for a fight!

Who wants to take me on??

huh?

HUH???????

Some of my friends call me naive.

Okay….MOST of my friends call me naive or “Pollyanna” if you prefer.

Mostly because of the following topic —– “The Dating Rating System”

Have you ever heard a guy or girl see someone and then assign a NUMBER to that person?

“Oh..he’s an 8!”
“She’s a 4.”

OR

“She’s out of my league.”

I don’t get that.

Seriously, I don’t!

Which is why the last couple of days have been very interesting.

I brought this subject up with Ranger the other day and he actually TOLD ME that he felt I was out of his league!

“Mind you….only *slightly* above me but still above me.” he said.
*snort!* *giggle!*

He says that I’m intelligent, funny, professional, independent and a hottie (awwww..he thinks I’m a hottie!).
And because of these very things, it places me out of his league.
He says that he actually finds himself trying harder to be charming, funny, interesting in order to keep my attention.

I was SHOCKED that he:
A.) thought this
and
B.) believed in the whole rating/league concept

Ranger is extremely attractive, funny, smart and witty. He’s a dedicated public servant who is very good at what he does. He’s sweet, loving and honest. He’s a GOOD MAN! So why in the world would he say that??

I DON’T subscribe to this concept (obviously or I wouldn’t be writing about it, huh?) so I’m constantly trying to understand it.

What REALLY got to me though, was at dinner last night!!

Ranger and I met up with “The Mysterious D” at Chow Baby and at some point, “D” looked at Ranger and said “Kitty is out of your league!” to which Ranger nodded and replied “I know.”

It was like some kind of male bonding moment that I, the subject in question, just couldn’t fathom!

WHY would “D” think something like that?
WHY would “D” say something like that?
WHY does “D” think I’m out of Rangers league??

And most importantly — WHY do there have to be leagues in the first place????????

(apparently — “Knocked Up” was a perfect example of different leagues and NO, I’m not using that as a comparison to Ranger and I)

Can’t dating simply be a matter of attraction and common interests?

I mean — If I see a guy, there is going to be a physical attraction or not.

If I don’t find him attractive, that doesn’t mean he’s not in my league.
It simply means he doesn’t exhibit the physical attributes that I *personally* am attracted to.

Conversely — I have gotten to KNOW guys and while the initial physical attraction isn’t there for me, by getting to KNOW them I find myself attracted to them.

I don’t think in terms of “He’s an 7 and I’m a 5″.
I don’t think in terms of “He’s above/below/in my league.”

I think in terms of –”I find him attractive/funny/smart and want to get to know him better.”

So WHY does this make me a Pollyanna?

Do tell……. I really want to hear what you have to say about this!!!!!

It’s a MONDAY!!!!

Wowzers….

MisstressM is on my ass about updating…okay FINE!

Here’s my update –

I came to work.

Power had been out.

Restarted all the servers and systems.

Employees came in.

They started complaining.

“This isn’t working right”

“This isn’t connecting”

“I can’t pull credit”

“I can’t access DO“

SUDDENLY — a pattern emerges and it’s not a pretty one!

The makers of our mortgage software — Ellie Mae — are notorious for doing “weekend updates” without warning their clients.

Moreover — they are notorious for releasing updates without sufficient testing (NO!! really?? )

Well — they SCREWED THE POOCH on this one folks!!

They done broked the ONE greatest selling feature of their program — it’s interface capability with third party vendors (i.e. credit reports, attorneys, appraisers, Fannie Mae/ Freddie Mac)

So — there I am — at 9am — calling Tech Support (they open at 6am PST) and I get the following message:

“All representatives are currently assisting other customers. Your current hold time is expected to be over 99 minutes.”

“OVER 99 MINUTES!”

ha..ha..ha…

Try to get a “live chat” person and all you get is a message stating:

“We are currently experience difficulties with ePass. This will be resolved shortly”

Hmmm…it’s been 7 hours….. that’s not exactly my idea of “shortly”

And then…

THEN..

the best one..

THEY STOPPED ANSWERING THEIR PHONES!!!

Yep —

now, if you call them the phones just ring and ring and ring….

I have to say, I’ve NEVER seen a company do that before!

***Okay***

“We can work around this” I tell my employees.

And we are working around it.

We aren’t losing production.

But, when the problem IS fixed, I’ll have a backlog of information I’ll have to upload into the system.

No biggie.

BUT — what really cracks me up are the employes!

“Is it fixed yet?”

“Is it fixed yet?”

Is it fixed yet?”

Good grief!!

It’s like being on a car trip with a bunch of 10 year olds!!

AUGGGHHH!!

Don’t make me stop this car and come back there!!!

ha…ha.ha..

There you go MissM — that’s my update — and now — you are sufficiently BORED and probably asleep.

See why I wasn’t writing about this?

Silly girl….

HE’S LEAVING ME!!!!

Can you f*ing believe it??

I gotta tell you — I’m absolutely blown away by this.

I guess I had been kidding myself all this time.

I thought things were going well.

There had been no drama going on.

There had been no awkward moments.

And yet — the truth has been staring me in the face.

I was just blind to it.

I can’t f*ing believe it!!!

HE’S LEAVING ME!!!!

No more wake ups in the wee hours of the morning!

No more moans and groans!

I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself.

My little kitteh heart is beating furiously with indescribable emotions!

But the strongest emotion seems to be the simplest one —–

Sheer….

Pure….

Overwhelming…

JOY!!!!!

That’s right folks.. I am tickled SHITLESS that he’s leaving me.

Why?

Easy…this has been an experiment for me.

A learning experience, definitely.

It had been a long, long, LONG time since I found myself in this situation.

And now — NOW — I feel that I am capable of moving forward.

Of knowing what I want and how to get it.

I know, dare I say, how to train the next one in my life.

Oh sure, it will take work, but it’s work that I’m willing to do.

This has been a total OMG experience for me!

And now, it is drawing to it’s final conclusion.

Don’t cry for me Argentina!!

I’ll be okay.

Yes….he’s leaving me.

And you know what??

All I can think is —

“HOW THE HELL DOES IT TAKE SO LONG TO PACK UP ONE TINY APARTMENT?”

ha..ha.ha.. who did you think I was talking about???

Yep — “Combat boot wearing, naked Elephant Man” and his “Crack Whore Mom/Lover” with their “Half-Dead Crack Dog” are MOVING OUT!!!!!!

w00t!

(for those of you who don’t know the history, you can go here, here, here, & here. It’s some funny shit, I’m telling ya!